Yesterday, I was speaking with a couple I coach and the topic of “should” came up in conversation. The premise for the topic was that the husband, who identifies as a submissive cuckold to his wife, did some research on his own into creating rules for Bulls.
While I applaud his effort, there is a catch to that type of research too early in developing a cuckold marriage. The catch is simple: premature research and research into what other people do in their relationships can influence a couple or an individual to think that “this is the norm and, since I identify as a cuckold/Cuckoldress, I should . . .”
There are several problems with this type of thinking. The first is that, no one has the right to dictate how another person’s relationship “should” be. When you decide to pursue cuckoldry, either as an individual or as a couple, as an addition or enhancement to your current relationship, a key part of your exploration is self-discovery. Without discovering what you want as a person, you can be influenced easily by other people’s thinking, rules, relationship styles, roles, expectations, and behaviors.
By limiting your external explorations of how other relationships work, and focusing on your relationship with yourself and your spouse, you discover your own path, needs, desires, and limitations. You are able to create a set of guidelines that works for you, not something that works for other people.
The biggest part of exploring cuckoldry, is figuring out what it means to you as a person. You are an individual, no matter how you identify, and you are the only one who can decide what works and what does not.
New experiences, challenges, problems, and mistakes can be scary for anyone. However, allowing others to influence your thinking too early in the game, without focusing on yourself and your spouse and what works for you, could lead to more problems than solutions. So what does being a Cuckoldress or a cuckold mean? The answer lies within you.
- Do you identify as a submissive man who enjoys watching his significant other explore sexually?
- Do you identify as a dominant man who enjoys showing off his woman sexually?
- Are you a woman who is confident in her sexuality and enjoys having power over her man?
- Are you a submissive woman who prefers that someone else take the lead in the bedroom, but doesn’t seem to have that sexual compatibility with her mate?
- Do you want chastity, humiliation, sissification, forced feminization, forced bisexual activity, or any other fetishes included in your relationship?
- Do you prefer your identity as a Cuckoldress or cuckold something you want shared openly or kept discreet?
- How would you prefer to practice cuckoldry–passively, actively, or organically?
- Is this a game you prefer to play on vacation and long weekends, or something you want to influence every aspect of your life?
- Do you prefer something more vanilla as a female-centric couple or do you want a bit of kink mixed in to add some spice?
- Do you feel drawn to Contemporary Cuckoldry or Hotwifery more?
- How would you prefer to interact with a Bull?
- What would you prefer to call a Bull?
- If you fall somewhere between all the answers you provided, how would you define what you want so you, your spouse, and your third person can understand fully what you mean and what you need to feel fulfilled?
One of the exercises I gave this couple was to come up with a personal development plan and a focus list. Each has been given a set of prompts to help them learn what works for them as a couple, but also as individuals.
I prefer using this method because it helps them discover what will work for them long-term, what will be sustainable for them as a couple, what will help them define their individuality within their new boundaries, and what those new boundaries are. I do not use this method because I think their relationship should go down a specific path or because I think they should practice cuckoldry a certain way, but because I need to learn what they want so I can help them pursue their dream.
In pursuing your dream, how clear are your goals? What will work for you long-term? You identify as a Cuckoldress/cuckold, but what does that mean for you?