Avoiding Pitfalls in Cuckoldry

What are some of the most common pitfalls for new Cuckoldresses and cuckolds? How can a new Cuckoldress avoid these pitfalls while searching for a cuckold or introducing her husband to the world of cuckoldry? How does the same school of thought apply to an aspiring cuckold?

Unfortunately, in present day, it is rare that a woman initiates a cuckold relationship. I hope, for the sake of people everywhere, this changes with time. However, some of the pitfalls I see women making cross the same line that aspiring cuckolds cross when seeking out a mate–they blur the line between fantasy and reality. While some blurring is to be expected, even in the most mundane relationship, too much of it can cause even the best of intentions to backfire.

One of the most common mistakes I see women make is that they rush the level of control they have in a relationship before the relationship, and the cuckold, are ready for the change. Contemporary Cuckoldry is about seduction, building trust, and keeping the lines of communication open on both sides of the relationship.

Cuckoldry, although exciting, can be terrifying for men who desire it. Usually, the fantasy has built for years before a romantic connection is made. However, once that connection is made, and the woman reveals a similar interest in cuckoldry, she should expect the man to shy away from any real application of control.

This seemingly counterproductive reaction to reality based cuckoldry is part of a normal transition for a man. Embracing his submissive and cuckold nature is not something easily accomplished in a relationship. Typically, at this point, the couple may notice an increase of arguments, petty or otherwise, tension rising, and a battle of the wills ensuing. It is at this point that women reach another potential pitfall–caving or giving in to their male counterparts.

I find that loving domestic discipline is the most effective tool available to a woman who reaches this point. If a woman can swallow her pride, release herself from all guilt, and focus on her goal–to help her man embrace his submissive, cuckold nature–she will see that a healthy dose of discipline is just what her man needs to help him get over this emotional and psychological hurdle.

I feel it’s important for me to state here that I do not condone or encourage domestic abuse. There is a line drawn between loving domestic discipline and domestic abuse, but how thin the line is depends on the couple. Rather, loving domestic discipline can take many forms from controlled corporal punishment to corner time to increased homework, housework, tasks, exercise, or any number of things.

A loving domestic discipline plan is best worked out before any of the problems arise. A clear mind always develops a healthier plan of correction than one spurred by anger, jealousy, insecurity, or any other perceived negative. I’ll go into the various forms of loving domestic discipline I have used later in the Contemporary Cuckoldry 101 series. For now, let’s get back to the pitfalls aspiring cuckold couples experience.

The next hurdle many couples experience, once the cuckold learns to embrace his role in the relationship, is what seems like a decrease in trust. This is usually brought on by jealousy or insecurity on the cuckold’s part, but how the Cuckoldress reacts is what makes all the difference.

Typically, the pitfall a new Cuckoldress makes is reacting with an attitude of dismissal, placating her mate, or trying to minimize what he is feeling. Statements like, ‘you’re overreacting,’ ‘don’t be silly,’ ‘we can stop if you want,’ or ‘I don’t think you trust me enough’ can harm the relationship and damage the cuckold’s psyche.

Instead, the woman must remember that she is a loving wife first and a Cuckoldress second. Her reaction should come from a place of love and reassurance, understanding and support, self-control and patience. There is no need to stop doing what she is doing.

However, she should be mindful of the fact that what she does with other men has a great impact on her mate and that impact may be negative, especially in the beginning and then periodically throughout the relationship as the emotional bond between her and her mate deepens. Why would a bond deepening cause negative feelings to arise? This has less to do with gender and more to do with human emotion in general.

A deepening bond between a man and a woman means that each feels more vulnerable to his or her mate and this means that there is more of a chance of being hurt at a deeper level. A new Cuckoldress would do well to remember that this is a cyclical process and one which she will become more skilled at managing as time passes. However, how she starts the process will make all the difference to her cuckold. Here’s a scenario to bring this point home:

Mary is a brand new Cuckoldress and she has a wonderful lover, Joe, with whom she has great sex both with and without her husband, Bob, present. Bob is a new cuckold, but he has desired this type of relationship for the better part of his adult life. As Mary and Joe deepen their connection as lovers and Mary expresses her contentment with Bob, Bob suddenly begins telling Mary that he doesn’t like how close she and Joe are getting. He expresses a fear of being replaced by Joe.

Mary has two basic choices here. She can:

a) react defensively and tell Bob that he’s overreacting and that Joe and she are just lovers


b) understand that Bob is at a vulnerable stage in his development as a new cuckold. He will require patience, understanding, and reassurance that although his world is changing with Joe in the picture, his value to Mary has not decreased.

The way Mary reacts to Bob’s needs will have a direct impact on her relationship with him and her future ability to enjoy Joe as a lover without guilt, either self-imposed or because of Bob’s continuing and unaddressed concerns.

The final pitfall I will discuss also seems counterintuitive to building a healthy cuckold relationship. However, it falls in line with what I discussed in a previous installment regarding reality vs fantasy. The third most common pitfall new cuckolds and Cuckoldresses alike make is that they rush the sexual part of the relationship. Similar to the thought process for a one-night stand, beginning sexual interaction too early in a cuckold relationship can distort the reality of the connection being made.

A new Cuckoldress would be wise to avoid catering to a cuckold’s fantasies until she is certain that he can meet all her non-sexual needs and meet her standards for relationship values she considers important. Her goal is to find a mate who will care for, support (in whatever capacity she feels support is needed), and respect her without kink, fantasy, or sexual involvement.

Withholding fantasy fulfillment encourages her potential mate, until she feels she understands him as a person and he understands and can meet her needs as a person is not only a step toward building a healthy foundation for a cuckold relationship but establishes her position of control early in the relationship.

New Cuckoldresses and cuckolds seeking a romantic match tend to focus on commonalities in the kink and attraction arena with little to no focus on the core values of the relationship and often find that the connection is short-lived once the newness of the fantasies fades.

Maintaining a reality based relationship, for however long the couple feels is adequate, gives them each the time needed to have a healthy courtship and develop a bond that will remain strong as they explore the world of cuckoldry together. If a couple is already married and they wish to explore cuckoldry, I recommend that the Cuckoldress refrain from catering to her cuckold’s fantasies too early.

Instead, she could focus on his training and help his submissive side develop fully. Then, once she feels he has reached the level of training she feels he needs, she can begin slowly introducing fantasy to the relationship.

The most common assumption men and women make about cuckold relationships is that they’re purely sexual or predominantly sexual. While sex is a large part of cuckolding, the relationship is not just sexual or kink based. The relationship between the woman and the men in her life requires more than physical attraction, sexual gratification, and similar kinks.

By maintaining control of how and when things happen, she can ensure that her needs are met before her wants. She can ensure that the relationship she has with her mate will be strong enough to endure any challenges and pitfalls the couple may encounter as they explore cuckoldry. As always, balance is key to a healthy relationship.


Ms. M is the Developer of The FCR Concept™ and Founder of the relationship design Contemporary Cuckoldry™. Learn more about her here and connect with her on Twitter, Google+, and LinkedIn. To make a donation to this website, please click here.

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